Episode 77: What are we to make of anger?

[music]

>> Welcome to Wisdom from the Aerial View,

the podcast for those who wish to

crush their anxiety and find meaning and

[music] purpose in their lives.

Good afternoon, good morning, good

evening, Dr. Klein. How are you today?

>> Uh I'm fantastic today.

>> Are you fantastic? Great.

>> Yes.

>> It's funny cuz I'm angry.

>> sunny day and uh you're angry. Ooh,

goodness gracious.

>> angry. Why am I angry? Because you said

to me, "Let's talk about anger." I said,

"Okay, let's talk about anger." So, you

know me, I did a little bit of fishing

around

and found out that um anger

is a very normal human emotion.

Uh I think that's kind of interesting.

But it's important to find healthy ways

to express it so as not to alienate

people around us and it's also good for

our own mental, emotional, and physical

health not to be angry. But But do you

think in fact that it is a a normal

human emotion?

>> Well, it is definitely a human emotion.

>> Mhm.

>> And it is definitely um

uh quite frequent in the general

population.

>> Yeah.

>> And there are gradations of anger, as we

know. We'll talk about them as we move

along.

Uh but you say is it a normal. So,

normal meaning yeah, in the sense that

it fits in the bell curve that, you

know, the majority of people have it.

Yes.

But it's certainly not one of those

emotions that adds a lot of

that has a lot of benefit to it. It has

It gives us a lot of gain. We'll talk

about

>> That too. You see the opposite.

>> The reason I wanted to talk about it is

cuz it's so interesting, right? Because

uh ev- not everybody, but most people

get angry at some point about something.

Some very angry very often and others

not so angry occasionally. So, it's a

wide wide variation.

But it doesn't ever seem to have one of

those

I've been trying to figure out what the

positive value of anger is. Why do we

get angry? In other words, you know, we

know why we get afraid. You know, fear

can initiates that flight or flight

reflex.

Our hormones

get going and you know, run away from

the lion or some somebody with a spear

or or these days a gun or whatever.

So that makes sense, right? But anger is

a different one. It when you step back

and think about it, you know how I like

to kind of dig one layer deep or a

couple layers deep.

I think why in the world do we get

angry? What is the positive value? Why

is this part of our persona? So I

thought this would be an interesting

thing to explore.

So let's explore.

>> Well, let me I'll do this interestingly

enough. I I found

something that that I really kind of you

know, the psychologist best-selling

author

professor at the University of

Pennsylvania Adam Grant.

>> Yeah, here he is.

>> He said and I'm going to quote this cuz

I think this you'll find this

interesting. He said, we can't control

what people say, but we do have a say in

how we react. Refusing to give others

power over our feelings is a this now

this is interesting a mark of emotional

intelligence. Now we've been talking

about Victor Frankl. We always talk

about our beloved Victor Frankl, but

here is Adam Grant giving sort of a

twist on this because he says that if

you will power somebody else to have

this power over you,

um

you're really this is not a matter

emotionally being intelligent. Kind of

an interesting twist on Victor Frankl.

Dr. Vic?

>> Yeah, it is Victor Frankl. It's

basically the Victor Frankl, you know,

always you know, we I frequently bring

up my grandchildren how I teach them

this thing.

>> Yeah.

>> And

you know, I think I've mentioned this

but and I've written about this also,

but

you know, it's very interesting when you

think about this the Victor Frankl rule

and the power that we have to control

how we feel. And it just to re go back

one step cuz people might not remember

this that there was a scientific reason

that the Victor Frankl rule holds, that

which is that you have control over how

you feel.

It's not just cuz Victor Frankl figured

it out and said, "Oh, we have control

over how we feel, and I was in a

concentration camp, and I figured this

out, and it worked."

That's not why. The reason is because

everything we

everything we see, hear, touch, smell,

or in any way experience, is an is an is

then interpreted by our brain.

So, nothing has any intrinsic value.

Nothing. There's no event, action,

activity, sound, uh visualization,

anything that that has any activity.

Nothing is good or bad. It's what our

brain decides it is, and that's why some

of us look at something and are

horrified, and others look at it and go,

"Oh, that's fine. I'm fine with that."

Or actually, "I kind of like it." You

know, like a snake, right? Some people

look at snakes and scream and go flying

10 ft in the air, and other people pick

them up. They go, "Oh, I like Hi, snake.

How are you?" right? So, and of course,

there are many examples of this. So, the

point is, our brain interprets

everything. Nothing has a value by

itself. So, when we get angry at

something, or we get upset about

something,

our brain has seen it, and then has

decided this is worth getting upset or

angry about.

And that's why it's not the same for

everybody. So, once you understand that

it's your own brain that's making this

decision of whether something is good,

bad, scary, happy, whatever,

then you realize, "Aha, this is all

happening in between my ears." So,

therefore,

I I can actually modify that

interpretation myself. I have that

power.

>> I feel like I got to stop you for one

second, because you're equating being

upset with being angry. I don't think

that necessarily one equals two.

>> No, no, no. I didn't mean to do that.

You're right. I didn't mean to do that.

I was just making a list of of of

emotions or reactions that we get to

situations that our brain is

interpreting. So, because our brain is

interpreting every single event and

making decision of how to classify it,

should this make us smile, should this

make us cry, should this make us angry,

should this make us happy, our brain is

making that decision. The thing we're

looking at has no intrinsic value at

all. There's no stated value. It's how

we interpret. So, therefore,

that explains why the Victor Frankl rule

holds, why then we do have control over

how we feel. You know, a very simple

explanation to review before you get

into the anger part, I It was just

sticking with the Victor Frankl part, is

that

uh people are very

eager, I use eager instead of anxious

cuz you've taught me that, a very eager

to react to certain things in certain

ways without even thinking about it. So,

I'll give you an example. So, if

somebody said to you um

you know, do me a favor, can you give me

a list of all your passwords, especially

the ones to your bank accounts? Those

are the ones I really want. Could Would

you give me those to me? And you go, of

course I'm not giving you any

passwords to my accounts. So, okay, tell

you what, can you give me the key to

your house so that when you're not home

I'm going to take what I want.

And of course you'd say, no, I'd never

do that. But But if somebody says

something that is trying to rile you up,

you

one might give them the that that

opportunity to do so. They would react.

And the question is, if you're not going

to give somebody your passwords to your

accounts, and you're not giving them the

key to your house, why in the world

would you give them the key to

determining how you feel? And that's the

Victor Frankl rule. Don't give away your

power. Don't give them your password.

Don't give them your keys. And don't

give somebody the power to determine how

you feel. Victor Frankl has told you,

you have control of that. And the

science behind it is that our brain

interprets everything. So, that's why

you have control. Okay. So, now let's

get into

So, let's get back to what um

Adam Grant said about the the Victor

Frankl. He's basically saying, you have

that power. It is yours. Do not give it

away, right? That's what he's saying.

Yes, he is.

>> Okay. So, when you get angry, what

happens?

You have immediately given that away.

Right? And we all do it. Everybody does

it. Well, not everybody. You know, there

are certain people on this planet who

we've talked about who don't do it, but

most people do it, right? As soon as

somebody says something they don't like,

they get angry and there you go. You're

going to say something. I'm sorry.

>> But do you But But can you use anger of

two things. Do you know anybody who's

never been angry? And two, can you use

anger in a positive way? In other words,

can you take something that really makes

you mad and turn it around, flip it to

something good?

>> Well, in terms of of it Do you know

anyone who's never gotten mad? No, I

don't know anybody who's I get mad, but

I know people who almost never get mad.

>> Okay. Yeah.

>> So, I know some people like that. One of

them, of course, is my wife. Uh but

but can you flip it? The whole point is

is not that you flip it, it's that you

learn not to do it in the first place

because let's say somebody says

something to that you find

upsetting or or little to the point of

where you get angry or they do something

to the point of where you get angry,

right? So, I'll give you an example. So,

let's say a kid um

uh

pitches a fit about something that they

don't like, right?

And you're the parent.

So, what are your options?

Your options are to get mad and start

yelling.

And what happens then? Well, the kid

gets upset, but more importantly, you're

not feeling good. Cuz when you're angry,

you're never at peace. Like we talked

about peace and tranquility last time.

You're never peaceful, right? So, now

you've gotten angry and then the child

is angry, is upset, and now you're upset

and nobody's better off than they were

when we started. So, it's not a matter

of flipping the anger to something

positive. It's about never It's It's

about trying to avoid it whenever

possible. So, the other choice as parent

is to look at the kid and say,

"Well,

you know, that wasn't a very nice thing

to do. Now, I could yell at you. Would

you like that? No, Mommy, I wouldn't

like that. Okay. Well,

you made her you made what you did was

very unkind, and if I did that to you,

you'd be very upset. So, here's what

we're going to do. You're going to pick

that thing up that you just threw, and

then you're going to go sit in your room

for 10 minutes, and you can think about

it, and you're not going to do it again,

cuz the next time you do it again,

you're going to sit in your room for 20

minutes, right? So, nobody got angry,

the problem gets addressed, you didn't

just slough off the kids' behavior, but

there was a better way. Now, having been

a parent to four children, I can tell

you that I failed so many times on that.

I can't begin to tell you. It was only

till my last child that I started to get

a little better. Um and now I look back

and I go, "God, I was such a dope, you

know, it was such a better way to do

this." I mean, I never hit my kids, and

you know, but um I got angry, I raised

my voice. I look back, I go, "That

probably wasn't the smartest thing to

do." But, the point is that the anger

part is rarely the best solution, cuz it

gets and it generally makes everything

worse, and you certainly feel worse. So,

it's not a matter of turning the anger

around, it's a matter of evaluating the

situation and avoiding the anger in the

first place.

>> Yeah, but that's easier said than done.

Let's talk about how do you do that?

Somebody, you're driving down the

highway, and somebody cuts you off. I

mean, they cut you to the point that he

could have killed you.

Uh do you just say, obviously, we're not

going to go after the guy, because

that's stupid.

>> Oh, some people do.

>> Yes, they do. I said that is stupid.

But, you still there's an emotional

thing that comes over you, and I think

it's called anger. I'm angry that this

person did that to me. I'm not going to

do anything to it. I'm not going to run

after him, but I am going to be How do I

temper my anger? Well, the first thing I

do is not run after him. But, but

there's a You've got to be a You've got

to say, "How do I

turn that into something different?" I

still think you can't control certain

emotions, and that's one of them.

>> Well,

I hate to disagree with you.

>> Okay, well, good. I think we should.

Yeah.

>> So,

I've seen we just recently I was on the

highway where where

I think twice I saw what I'm going to

assume are young men

flying down the road chasing each other,

right? On highways, on major highways. I

think maybe twice in the last 3 weeks

that happened, right?

One of them cut me off. It was very

close, right? Very dangerous.

So, let's forget about the fact that

they cut me off and that it was

dangerous for me. Let's just talk about

what was going on in their heads.

So, one of them probably cut the other

one off

or passed them or whatever, and they

didn't like it, and they got mad. So,

why did they get mad at that?

So, they got mad at that because

it was a reflection of their entire

life. When people I guess we you've

heard me say this before, people live

sometimes as if they're balanced on a

single stone. So, if a wind blows, uh

just even a mild breeze, it could knock

them off. So, if you're not a confident

person, if you're not comfortable with

who you are, if your life isn't where it

is, if you just know you're just not on

the right track, and then somebody does

something to you, it is exceedingly easy

to blow up. Here's another thing. So,

we've seen this a lot. Um

people have been abused as children,

often sexually abused or abused in

another ways.

And then they grow up or as they're

growing up and going through this,

uh they feel powerless, they feel

helpless. And so, what do they do? They

often take it out on somebody else.

They'll bully another kid in school or

commit a crime or do something to lash

out at the world for the unfairness that

they're that they are experiencing. And

we say, "Yeah, we understand that." But,

of course, it never ends well when they

do that. Nobody benefits. So, so really

what we what we need to be teaching more

of, well, certainly you don't want a

child abused sexually or otherwise, but

what we can do for that child and as

that child becomes an adult certainly is

to explain to them that you are not a

victim of somebody else's activities.

You are not. You are never diminished by

the misdeeds of others, only by your

own. We need to explain that your it's

your behavior that counts, not somebody

else's behavior. So, once you get once

that becomes inculcated into somebody's

psyche, and it doesn't happen in 5

minutes, it takes time, right? Then when

somebody cuts them off, they don't react

that way. So, now So, when people cut me

off in the past, when I was younger,

I'd get mad. I didn't generally chase

anybody. I might actually I might have

chased a couple people, now that I think

of it. But, um

But, now when they do it, my reaction

is, "Oh, you poor soul, what's troubling

you?" Right? I'm I'm I'm in a good place

in my life, but something's troubling

you, or you wouldn't have done that on

purpose, right? So, that's the idea.

That's the idea. So, anger is not

required. It's It's the absence of an

alternative that allows anger to fester.

But, when we teach people an alternative

to anger, another way to deal with it,

then anger is not a required emotion. It

does not have to happen. It is not like

fear. It is different. Fear we can't

control. It just comes at us suddenly,

right? But, anger is something we can

control. Even if our initial urge is to

be angry, we can very quickly, in

milliseconds, crush it and say, "Okay,

remind ourselves, it's not about me. I'm

doing I'm doing everything right. Why

should I get upset? Why should I be

angry?" And the alter- and learn the

alternative alternative methods to deal

with it. A, the Victor Frankl rule. No

I'm in complete control of how I feel.

Why would I want to get angry? I am

never happy when I'm angry. I feel

terrible when I'm angry. Everybody feels

terrible when they're angry. Nobody

chooses anger. If you had an option of

choosing laughter or anger, everybody's

going to choose laughter, right?

Nobody's going to choose anger. Unless

they're lying to you. They will not

choose anger, cuz it makes them feel

badly. So, it's a matter of learning the

alternative. Now, we talk a lot about

educating young people. Here's another

one, right? You know, how to deal with

anger? Well, first thing is understand

it's not about you, right? You're in

control of how you feel. That takes

practice, practice, practice. We talk

about this all the time. All of these

things take practice. Ascending to the

area of view, practice, right?

Controlling your anger, practice. All

these things take practice, but when you

understand the fundamentals of how human

beings behave, it it is certainly

possible. There are people out there who

don't get angry in it.

>> Let's take an example. You have little

kids on the the playing on the in the

playground.

And they're choosing sides for the

baseball team, for the softball team.

And you they're all the kids are lined

up.

And Johnny didn't get picked.

Or Johnny got picked later than he

thought he was.

So, Johnny you would have So, Johnny

gets angry.

So, how do you say to Johnny, "It's not

about you?"

Because in fact, wasn't it about Johnny?

>> Johnny doesn't get angry. Johnny gets

sad.

Johnny might look like anger, but it's

not really anger. Johnny is sad. People

don't like me. I'm not good enough. I'm

not worthy, right? So, it's

>> lashes out. But he lashes out.

>> Yes, but remember he's lashing out

because he thinks he's not worthy and

he's mad at the world. It's like the kid

who gets abused, right? It's a form of

It's not outright abuse, but he he

experiences that as abuse.

There are 10 kids being picked. I'm

number 10 or I'm number 11. I don't get

picked at all, right? I'm the odd man

out.

>> What do you say to Johnny?

>> What you have to say is so You're not

going to make Johnny It depends how old

Johnny is, first of all, but let's say

Johnny's young, right?

>> Mhm.

>> Johnny's not going to be able to

incorporate all this psychology into his

into his brain at once.

>> Right.

>> what you say. Johnny, the way people

Everybody's different good at different

things. As you go through your life, you

have qualities that other people don't

have. You're going to be able to think

things that they they can't think.

You're going to be able to do things

they can't do. Right now, you're not as

good at at softball as the kids that got

picked.

And and you said about that, and I

understand that. So, you have a couple

of choices. One is practice and get

better at softball. Work on it. If you

want to play softball, I'll go out with

you. I'll be the catcher. I'll teach you

how to hit. Whatever. Uh we can send you

to a clinic. You want to get better? You

got to work at it. That's number one

because we're not entitled to anything,

right? You got to earn it. So, if you

want if softball's important to you or

baseball's important to you, you say,

"Okay, I'm going to give you you know,

we're going to practice baseball. We're

going to give you lessons." You if

you're willing to work hard, I'm willing

to to do that with you or spend the

money, whatever. We'll make you better

so that they'll pick you first one day.

Or if you don't care enough about that,

understand that that that there are

going to be things in your life that

you're going to be good at that other

people are going to be not good at and

you'll be picked and they won't be

picked. And so, you the things that you

want to be good at, you have to work at.

The things you don't really care about,

then just walk away and get and pick up

something else that you're interested

in. So, the idea is that A, you have

worth, you have value.

You're looking at this partic- at one

single situation which we understand.

So, you have a choice. Get better at

that or get better at something else and

do something else. But

you have to build Johnny up to

understand that he has value and there

are things he can do and will do in his

life. It's not simple. Johnny's going to

be upset. You're not going to fix him,

but you know, you tell him that and then

you go buy him a milkshake and he

probably feels a lot better. So

>> I think it's interesting though that you

refuse to call it angry. That he didn't

get angry. He got sad.

Well, tell me why you made that

difference. Why you said he didn't get

angry, he got sad. How do you How do you

know?

>> Well, I've been there.

>> Okay. And you were sad and not And you

were sad and not angry. You were angry

though, were you not?

>> No, first you get sad. It's it's Oh, but

I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. I'm

the worst kid. I have no value. You

remember, Enid, that I was the smallest

kid in our school. Smallest male, right?

You know, and when you're small male in

a school in a in a place where athletics

are very important and physical

abilities are very important. It is very

obvious that you are the smallest and

maybe even the weakest, right? And

that's a terrible place to be when

you're when you're a little boy.

>> Sure.

>> Um so

>> a girl. Good.

>> Okay, I'm still going to be me. You you

know what I'm talking about in the first

place. I can't talk about what it's like

to be a little girl, but I can talk

about what it's like to be a little boy

and this is how I felt. So, the first

thing is you feel sad, you feel

unworthy, you feel worthless. You look

in the mirror and you see this young

scrawny kid who's the shortest and

weighs like 12 lb and how and

everybody's a year and a half older than

me and woe is me and you know, but then

you have a choice. But this is what life

is. It's this journey. It starts very

early. Right? Your journey is always the

same. So, you hopefully you have people

in your life that can help you at that

point, parents especially, maybe a

sibling, maybe even a teacher, uh or

somebody in the community if you're

lucky who helps you and doesn't says,

"No, no, no, you're seeing this the

wrong way. You know, if you want to be

on the team, if you want to be pick

number one instead of 10,

practice. Get better. You can do it.

It's going to take you have to work

hard, but here's how you do it. Or if

it's not your thing, don't worry about

it. Find something else to get good at.

Find something else to bring you joy cuz

remember, accomplishments are one of the

two

pillars of of happiness. So, if you're

not if the baseball isn't getting it

done or you don't really care that has

to work that hard, then find something

else, some other accomplishment,

whatever it is. Paint, learn how to

draw, learn how to rollerblade. It

doesn't matter, right? So, you have to

So, but anger So, it's it's some we

digress a little bit cuz Johnny's

problem is he's sad and he doesn't have

self-worth. We got to build that up in

people. We got to make people understand

why they do have value. And you know,

you can't tell Johnny at age six that by

the way, you have an equal effect on the

world because all your decisions affect

the world and everybody has an equal

effect on the world. That's going to go

right over Johnny's head. So, you have

to be very much more concrete with

Johnny and say, "You're going to figure

out the things you want to get good at.

That's what's going to make you happy."

You know, and so on. We get So, not to

be repetitive, but but it might be

manifested as angry as anger, right? He

will manifest that at home. He might go

to his room and slam his door or throws

books on the floor or refuse to eat or

yell at his parents or yell at his

siblings. So, it might be manifested at

as anger, but it's because there's an

underlying problem here. And that's

usually the case with anger, right? So,

people who are Let Let me put it this

way. As adults, if you embrace the

aerial view and you understand how the

world works, anger is just like just

like anxiety, anger is crushed.

Cuz you realize it is so silly. It has

no value and you have these You have the

ability to determine how you feel,

right? That's one of the major tenants

of of the aerial view, to understand and

incorporate the Victor Frankl rule. And

so, along with anxiety being crushed,

anger gets crushed. You just divert it.

You just you become introspective and

you look at it and you see it for what

it is. Okay, somebody cut me off. Well,

he's he's a jerk. I'm not the jerk. I'm

just driving [laughter] 45 mph in a 45

mph zone or whatever. You know, I turn

my signals on. I don't tailgate. I'm not

the problem, right? He's the problem.

Why am I getting upset? He's got the

problem. He's upset about something. You

know, either something in his life is is

horrible, his parents are treating him

cruelly, his girlfriend just left him. I

don't know what it is, but something has

caused him to be angry. I don't need to

do that. So, once you once you embrace

the aerial view, understanding these

handling these situations is so much

easier. Practice, practice, practice.

But none of this stuff What None of this

stuff I'm telling you is untrue. None of

it is inaccurate. It is all absolutely

absolutely true and supported by not

just

supported really by empirical data and

understanding how the world works.

>> Because a couple of things. Of course,

if you're angry, I mean, your blood

pressure goes up.

You become Um, you become depressed. So,

it's it's a very unhealthful uh emotion.

And that it leads me to my next

question. Is anger an emotion?

>> Sure.

Sure, it's an emotion. Yeah.

>> Okay.

>> But it's one of those

>> emotion means? So, tell me at that point

when one becomes really angry or

emotional,

how does one sit back and say, "Let me

get into this area of you. Let me

understand A, why I'm feeling the way

I'm feeling, and then B,

help me to not feel that way."

>> Well, the first thing you have to say to

yourself is, "I'm in control of how I

feel. Why would I make myself

miserable?"

So, anger, bam, stop. Milliseconds, 1

second, 5 seconds, 10 seconds. That's

it. That's it. You stop, "Oh, wait a

minute. Angry, I know I shouldn't be

angry. Hold on."

You know, now you can be angry at

yourself. Let's say you do something

inappropriate, right? And you

metaphorically cut somebody off. You can

be angry with yourself in the sense of

disappointed, but not rage, right? You

fix it. You apologize. You correct it.

We're only We're each responsible for

our own behavior, but only for our own

behavior. And of course, those of our of

our little children, if we have them.

Uh up to a certain point, but so that's

that's the idea. Anger is one of those

things you you can immediately realize

is unnecessary. Anger is a choice.

It's a choice.

Right?

>> Good.

>> So,

So, why would you Nobody would choose to

be unhappy. Nobody would choose to be

angry. So, you have to understand that

you don't have to be angry. It's

completely within your control. So, I'm

not saying it's easy. It gets very easy

over time. It gets super simple over

time.

But in the beginning, it's just like

anything else. It's practice. I mean, I

say this a million times. All these

things are practice. They're all

learnable skills. I don't care how old

you are. You're never too old. Like we

talked about this last time. When people

say, "I'm too old. I don't care. This is

who I am.

Too bad. I'm too old to change." I go,

"No. Okay, well, if you want to be

unhappy, knock yourself out, but it's

kind of silly, right? You know, you

don't have to be.

>> You know, one of the things you always

talk about when you you get a bad you're

sick or whatever, you're going to the

hospital, you laugh.

Do you ever laugh instead of getting

angry? You just say, you know,

>> the time.

>> Tell me about that.

>> All the time. And I I I feel as though I

get in trouble sometimes, especially

with my wife,

>> [snorts]

>> cuz

you know, the other day something

happened and

I think we were in this conversation

about something and I started to laugh

cuz

it just was so

it's it's just seemed to me so obvious

and so silly that it wasn't worth either

one of us spending 2 seconds getting

upset about. And when I laugh, it you

know, it just kind of it's the wrong I

shouldn't do it, but it's my natural

reaction and then I go and I go, "What?"

It's never malicious, never never never

malicious. It's me looking that It's me

as the independent as the

uh independent observer removed from the

situation looking going, "Oh, this is so

silly, right?" And of course,

I'm still in the street view when I do

this. It doesn't often go over well. But

yes, of course, you know, yes, yes the

answer is yes.

>> because when you laugh, then she becomes

a little bit angry not angry, but

>> It doesn't often go great, but it's just

for a very short time, right? Very short

time.

>> But it's interesting how we can use the

aerial view. This is the point of the

aerial view to to see the world from a

different perspective, to sit back and

say, "No, no, no, no, I'm in complete

control of my feelings, my emotions, and

how I react to situations." Correct?

>> Yes, and also, you know, situ you know,

when you're in the aerial view and you

have this the jukebox of time, the whole

thing's in front of you, right? You

recognize the fact that everything has

happened before, it's going to happen

again and again and again. Stories are

going to repeat, whether they be

individual stories or community stories

or world stories historical stories,

they're all going to repeat repeat

repeat, right? You're going to see it

again and again. That that tells you

something. You know, just take it with a

grain of salt, meaning that sometimes

there's nothing you can do. Sometimes

bad things happen to individuals or

groups of people, and you there's only

so much you as an individual can do. Uh

recognize this is how the world is, and

recognize that you're on a mission, that

there's another story, your life is

finite, right? You're not responsible

for everything that happens in the

world, only the things that you know,

you are responsible to be the best

person you can be, to help as many

people as you can be, to be kind and

generous. That you're responsible for.

The stuff that's happening across the

world, you can't necessarily fix, and it

may not work out the way you'd want it

to, or anybody would want it to.

But, you know, I'm not saying you should

laugh at those things, but you should

have the perspective to understand that

this is all part of the story. You the

story's going to go on and on because

each of us is on an individual mission

to make this evolution from selfish to

selfless, from inward focused outward

focused, to prepare what comes next. To

me, that is strikingly obvious after

many years I get people

disagree with that, don't accept it.

I've told you many times I don't try and

sell anything anything, but to me that

is absolutely the story as far as I'm

concerned. And when you keep your eye on

the ball and and behave in the proper

manner and and move along your own

individual mission, then you're not to

get upset about everything, you don't

have to get angry about everything. You

have You have to you observe it, you

understand it, you realize you're in

control, you feel, you fix what you can

fix, and then you

uh observe the rest of it and move and

move for- continue to move forward.

>> Do you think some people use anger to

grow to draw attention to themselves and

for no other reason, just because I want

you to know I'm here, so I'm angry. I'm

going to show you I'm angry.

>> Oh, yeah, see it every day.

>> Yeah.

>> That that's most of what politics is.

>> Well, you know, yeah.

>> watch You ever watch a a hearing between

the the House or Senate when they're

interviewing somebody from the opposite

party? You know, it's like it's all

showmanship, right?

>> So, is it fake? I mean, they're not

really angry.

>> 100%

>> Just 95% fake. Sometimes maybe they are

upset, but most of the time they're just

it's just you know,

you know, trying to get a few clips they

can put on YouTube or Instagram,

whatever.

>> sending that signal out, too, aren't

they? Look at this.

>> you a story. I was I was in a trial

once, right? I was in a what we call an

expert witness in a in a malpractice

trial.

And the lawyer was trying to just rip

everybody up into a frenzy

and starts yelling at me. And I'm not on

trial. I'm just a an expert witness,

right? And I said, I stopped and I said,

"You know, you don't really have to get

angry with me. I'll be happy to answer

any question you want."

Right?

And he stopped.

I watched the jury, like their eyes got

wide as saucers, right? And and

everybody thought I'm sure everybody

thought the same thing.

"Yeah, really. You don't really need to

yell about this, right? You know, and

and you don't need to be berating this

witness. He's just here to do his you're

doing to answer some fact questions." I

was a fact witness. Not even Sorry. I

wasn't an expert witness. I was a fact

witness. Meaning that means I was

involved in certain things. I'm just

telling you what happened, but I was

neither on trial nor defending one side

or the other. I was just a fact witness.

Just Here's what I know, right?

>> anything.

>> So, I had no horse in the race in that

sense, right?

>> Yeah.

>> But, he's yelling at me cuz I wasn't

saying what he would prefer that I would

say.

Uh and I just stopped and I said, "You

know, you really don't need to yell at

me. I'm happy to answer any question."

And

everybody kind of took a breath, right?

It was kind of like refreshing.

>> Yeah.

>> So, yeah, anyway. I digress. That was

>> I actually looking at the clock, I see

we're out of time. Let me end it before

you do have the final word, but Ralph

Waldo Emerson said something.

He said,

"For every minute you're angry, you lose

60 seconds of happiness."

Pretty good?

>> Yeah, sure. Well, yeah, because what I

said, nobody wants to be angry. It's not

fun.

>> Right.

>> So, what's the final word, Doc?

>> Final word is just remember that we tell

you know, we talk about all the time

with the Victor Frankl, don't give

somebody the new passwords, don't give

somebody the key to your house, don't

give him him or her the chance to

>> [music]

>> to determine how you feel. You don't

need to be feeling You don't need to

feel angry. Anger is a choice.

>> Thank you. With that, I [music] say

peace.

>> And I say, thank you all for listening.

See you next time.

>> [music]